Neurotic.. not.

My three hours of solitary outing which consists of driving around and walking around motivated me to write this.

I slept around 2 smth, almost 3 in the morning. The usual tossing and turning with thoughts and haunting virus that wont leave my feeble body. I managed to sleep anyway. Only to my dismay, I got up around 7am and to my surprise the sun wasnt shining at all! It was almost shining but not yet, it was still dark goddammit. Why the hell did I get up so early for? It's not like I will be able to go back to school with my one size too small pinafoe(?) and my pair of dirty white school shoe.

So I got up, switched on the pc and posted the previous entry and afterwards realized that I am the only idiot who gets up so goddamn early in the morning and that no one will be able to accompany me to eat dim sum.. well, that is unless some friends in a different timezone, but what the heck, fly to Auz or UK? My arse. Im kidding myself. So, I went downstairs while I left my pc to download some tracks. Oh yummy, wholemeal bread with ham and fried egg. Then poured myself a small glass of milk. Mix fm was playing Bright Lights so I sms-ed him and told him that he crossed my mind and to have a great day. Aint Likki nice? No reply.

So it is almost already 12 hours that I havent had anything. But its okay, a sick person cant simply eat McD or KFC or anything oily or fastfood during the process of healing, can she? Am practising celibacy where food is concerned. Shaddup.

*yawns* Suddenly deprived of sleep so I went and lie down on my bed and slept for another two hours more. Took my second shower of the day and then I took the car keys, drove around aimlessly. Fuck my diseases, fuck sickness, Im going to get the hell out of the house. I just feel like its time for me to get some good quality solitary time for myself instead of sitting at home and rot the hell out.

Drove along the beach and it reminded me of him. Made a u-turn and then got to the basement and parked my car, on a very strategic spot though, lucky me. While I was going up the stairs I saw an old friend who was smoking just outside of the mall, went up to him, smoked, chatted for a lil and if ya dont mind, Im going to do a judgemental whacketty whack whack session on the people that I met along the way from a bookstore to a record store and from the corridor to the carpark. I dont go clothes/shoe shopping.

Him.
Sweet talker tak jadi. Freelance tattoo artiste tak jadi. Managing Director in a small local newspaper company, ahem, kononnya. Heavy metal guitarist tak jadi and he could be doing a really good job at private eyeing someone. Womanizer, whoops, Ah-Lian-izer. If you get what I mean. He just took off once his homie ah lians showed up. Nope, no byebyes as well. No pats, no contacts. That's what we are.

Her.
No biggie. Normal chick that goes shopping and went out of cash and had to borrow some money to pay the parking ticket. She's your typical girl-next-door who lost your number but wishes to stay in touch with you. Now go back and read that sentence again.

Her.
3 years my junior in high school, clad in blue pinafoe with a green horizontal stripe and loosely tied school shoe on her feet. Short but greasy hair, her mouth wouldnt stop talking, for crying out loud. Trying to be cool is the word. I mean come on, how could you be cool while youre in your school uniform walking around in a mall and yakking nonstop while she doesnt even know my name? While we're at this, could someone please enlighten me on this. A sign, actually a paper that has the word "No School Uniform" on it that was stuck in front of a snooker center but who actually gives a toss about it? I mean this girl entered this place and there were a couple more of uniform clad girlies and guys to be spotted. Wtf is this? You tell me. Oh and it was way past staying back for club meetings. Later I had to wait for her and droped her off at my high school. To sum it up, attention seeking behaviour was written all over her school uniform. Period.

Her.
Saw her while she was happily laughing and walking towards my direction. Used to cycled with her and have evening walks around our housing area. We would cycled to the red earth land that was idled for years from the housing project and have girlie talks and enjoy the scenery and breeze. She was with a guy and much prettier than the last time I saw her. Boy do I miss the times when I was a kid, being protected, naive, nuisance, loved, carefree and spoilt.

Him.
He came up to me and said hi to me at the record store. Indeed surprised and glad. He's less than almost the same wavelength with me when it comes to music taste. He's more the radio-mainstream guy but it's alright, I introduced Finger Eleven to him and he was blankly nodding his head and scratching his head. Oh yes! Boy was I happy to see that album, but too bad it was not the latest one. Anyways I wanted to keep in touch with him but I didnt get his number or anything like that. Sigh. Music gets me off my feet sometimes that I forgot to fall back into proper place.

Him.. clad with his pooch. Bitch to be exact.
I knew that I would bump into someone, someone who was in my past. Yes, indeed. I saw him walking my direction but for christ's sake, I didn't move my arse at all. I know that his pooch was with him. The same pooch that I saw him with two months back. Aww man, still the same pooch? Goddamn. Thought he changes his poochies from time to time. I suppose she fucks submissively well. He saw me while I was purposely looking the other direction to my right while he was on my left. He kept looking at me and when I finally turned and looked at him, he didnt smile and the pooch was grasping his arm even tighter looking at me. No worries bitch, am not going to prey on your blackball liar. I suppose he said something to her, that's why her reaction was like that. He didnt smile at me and I just looked at him blankly. Though I think it was quite a pathetic situation for me. I was sitting there alone, not to mention sick and pale looking, sipping on self-bought bubble tea, aimless, not even a friend next to me while he walked past me clad with a chick who has got the same chinese surname as me while both clinging on to each other looking at me like Im a black maria.

Goddamn and ya thought you want to have a good quality solitary time for yourself.

Frankly speaking, I think I grew out of having a companion. Pathetic as it may seem but I am pure with my heart, words and dreams. I believe that one day, not now, not tomorrow, not the day after that but in the future. Someday I will be able to fall in love with my heart without fear and reach out to my better half with my might. In the mean time, to hell with whoever that was once in my sordid past, hurt me in whichever way, whoever that thinks they are better than I am and whoever that descriminated me.

Surprisingly Im dead calm. I dont give a toss. Im with myself, sticking up to myself because nobody, not even you can do that for me. I believe, no one.

I rest my case.

Gosh, these things inspire you.

[soundbites]
Disagree - Scarecrow Adams