Good morning.

For the past few days, I’ve been kind of busy. On Tuesday, it was Miranda’s birthday so I gave her a surprise visit and took her out for lunch. It was fun to hang out at her house. She’s like this super canggih music oriented girl. She has got this really cool sister who she is proud of. I managed to get some pictures with her using her digicam and uploaded it to her laptop and she was telling me stories about her life and she'd use streamyx to go online and sometimes chat with the bf. ;) Go figure lah, digicam, laptop, streamyx and everything little things that are nice. I had a good time at her place but then when I was on my way up to her house and back, I almost got into two accidents. Argh! those horrid malay kids(no offence to those malays) riding their modified ex5 with loud exhaust pipe and anything there is to complain about the attitude of Malaysian drivers. I get so easily irritated by that and my mother told me that she wont let me take the car and drive alone. Double ARGH!

Talking about accidents, three friends of mine actually wanted to give me a surprise visit on Tuesday night and to go to a mamak place but then they were involved in an accident. So here’s a quote from a friend, never raise your voice when you’re involve in an accidents. It helps. Make sure you call your older siblings or parent to come and settle it for you.

Yesterday’s bbq was clean fun. I went there kind of early, say around 5 smth and it was frigging hot. The whole bbq started off kind of slow with only the presence of three of us – a pair of couple and me. Then the next batch of people started to come in and join the fun of bbq 101. I can’t complain though, it was clean fun I’d say. I mean it’s supposed to be fun, dammit.

My mind started to drift away from that whole idea and actually deep down inside, I was feeling a lil low although I’ll have to say that I did try to laugh at jokes and have fun. Coming to the end of the night, a bunch of good friends sitting down talking the night away with stories and jokes. It was great, I mean at that time, we were so worry-free and free of any form of stress. But then I couldn’t help myself but to secretly feel a little down inside.

This feeble mind just refuses to blend into the cozy and pleasant environment. It started to think that I’m an outcast among that bunch of friends when they started talking about going to universities overseas and also their studies now. Fact is, I am the only odd one out. They are all studying in the same course but then I’ll not get into that.

We got home kind of early, no wait, I got home kind of early. It was around half past 11. They are probably off to a treat at a nearby mamak or smth. I wanted to go along to feel less outcasted but then on a second thought, I wouldn’t want to ruin their night by my miseries. At that time, the radio just so happened to play The Scientist from Coldplay. Darn it. So I took a hot shower and settled down in front of the computer instead and go online.

I was happy then, doing the usual stuff when I’m online, chatting with friends, blog reading, surfed around and checked my inbox. There just have to have a veto to this whole thing. Naggings from you-know-who always didn’t help when I’m at that pathetic state of mind. I was very much irritated.

Then off to bed I went but the problem is I couldn’t sleep. Lately, I’ve been having nightmares and there are just too many nightmares for me to tell. I’d say they’re kind of scary. Too many things were running through my head at that time. That including my outcasted episode, family issues and personal issues. K started to talk to me on Monday night but that was that but still that’s something to ponder about. When I close my eyes, I can feel cold tears running down my cheeks, at first it was for nothing. The more I think about it, the more reasons came up. I’ve always envied those with a lovely family who supports them and someone to turn to when they are down. They’re so close yet they are supportive of each other emotionally. I’ve never had that before.

I’ve always wanted someone in the family to be close to me and understand me but everyone seems to be so distant and remote. I want a cool parents and I miss my dad greatly. That, I guess was the main thing. For a while I was comfortable draining the tears in my eyes, I felt a certain release and freedom. But then daddy would have told me, “gong kia, don’t cry.. things will get better tomorrow, just go to sleep, don’t think too much” and then put my blanket over me. Those words may be self formed but then I’m sure that my dad will console me. It’s simple and yet so wise. Sometimes I really wanted my mom to understand me as well and sometimes I blame her for not understanding at all. Sometimes I just let it be and friends will be the one that I look for comfort and even so, it didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to be.

I’m mad at myself for being easily irritated. I’m mad at myself for blaming my mom for all that. I’m mad at myself for being useless. I’m mad at the way things are.

The weather today is nice though, good for sleep in. Here's a song for you to digest.

U2 – Kite
Something
Is about to give
I can feel it coming
I think I know what it means

I'm not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live
And when I'm flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did

And hardness
It sets in
You need some protection
The thinner the skin

I want you to know
That you don't need me anymore
I want you to know
You don't need anyone
Or anything at all

Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to say what it is will break you
I don't know
Which way the wind will blow

Who's to know when the time has come around
Don't want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye

It's summer, I can taste the salty sea
There's a kite blowing out of control on the breeze
I wonder what's gonna happen to you
You wonder what has happened to me

I'm a man
I'm not a child
A man who sees
The shadow behind your eyes

Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to say what it is will break you
I don't know
Where the wind will blow

Who's to know when the time has come around
I don't want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye

Did I waste it
Not so much I couldn't taste it
Life should be fragrant
Rooftop to the basement

The last of the rock stars
When hip hop drove the big cars
In the time when new media
Was the big idea
That was the big idea