On Reflection

Are these times contagious
I've never been this bored before
Is this the prize I've waited for
Now as the hours passing
There's nothing left here to insure
I long to find a messenger

Have I got a long way to run
Yeah, I run

Is there a cure among us
From this processed sanity
I weaken with each voice that sings
In this world of purchase
I'm going to buy back memories
To
awaken some old qualities

Have I got a long way to run
Yeah, I run

~Run by Collective Soul

As I was coming back from subang jaya, sitting in the train bustling my way through the city while listening to my ipod, this song was randomly played and if I may say so, it rocks! so I took out a small notebook that I usually carry around and of course a pen, I started writing down my train of thoughts.

This guy came around and sat next to me, his leg/thigh touched mine and I was fine by that since there were nowhere else to sit, until he started shaking his leg. argh. I moved or rather shuffled my position abit to show my slight annoyance and yay, he stopped shaking his leg. Heh.

The more I wrote, the more wary I became. This another guy sitting next to me might be reading the shit that Im writing down. Anyways I just continued and after awhile, I turned to another and then another page to write down my thoughts, just minding my own business. I was absorbed into another dimension. A world of my own. I like the feeling.

I felt calm and slightly taller than the rest of them. I noticed some people around me. Three guys dressed in black, jeans, studded belts, chains, converse sneaker and badly inked job. Obviously metalheads. Matrockers. Indian dude sitting opposite of me, wearing slippers so it really shows off how cracked his feet are and those chipped and dirty nails. The back of his palms were inked too. A scorpion and butterfly on each side. A playboy lookalike bunny on his neck. Badly done as well.

I dont feel the same as Im sitting on th train that's heading to the same destination. But I could sense some sort of uncertainty. Heavy hearted and sadness filled my mind but at the same time it feels good to make your own decisions. A sense of control over my own life. Sitting on the train, bustling through the city as well as the lush green field of greenery. Serenity?

More good things to come? But one thing's for sure, I'd have to face the future on my own. The freshness of the air makes me feel alive in this gloomy morning.

Attending the anniversary dinner was cool. There were probably about 1,000 people there. All over, North, South, East, West. I got to see those uncles that I used to see when dad took me to functions. familiar faces. I used to wear those kiki-lala that my mom had picked out for me to wear. Now I parade myself in a flairy skirt, a sleeveless blouse and a beaded shawl accessorised with shiny silver jewellry while sitting up and sipping my glass of beer. You would probably see me in this kind of outfit in 5 years time. But damn, what happened to me?

Most of the uncles didnt recognize me. They were all smiles when they see me and I sure did flash them my beaming smile and glossy lips to them as their eye candy. After much beer intake, some of them started joking around and then our table of uncles and aunties started a competition of using the plastic chopsticks to pick up the button mushrooms coated with starchy sauce.

The next day, clad in my faded black tshirt, oversized jeans, a backpack and messenger bag, I was invisible. I wish I can find a way to show my charming side. To be consistent.

The transition scares me at times. One moment I was in a crowded and noisy place and the next Im in a quiet place. Then I have the limelight and now I dont. One minute Im miss yummyliciously young lass and the next Im miss sloppy excess baggage carrier.

I feel dizzy. Time for a nap.

[soundbites]
Sea Ray - Stray Dog's Got It Made