Bleeding Heart

*burp*

it smells like curry.

I'm so stuffed with food these days and I can feel my stomach is expanding. Eek!

just yesterday night I was telling Hsin that I was feeling hungry because I skipped dinner. I thought of maccoroni cheese! pizzas! mcd! dome's chicken pie! roti canai! whoah, we were drolling over imaginary food. damn. I got offline and then cooked myself maggie mee with fishballs, meatballs, sotongballs, veggie and crabsticks! oh and i added chili source to spice things up. heheheh.. I went to bed with a full stomach.. really stuffed.

Maxis is having some problem these days.

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I was talking to Miranda just now. She was asking me to be a sport about the whole K and biatch thing. I protested that she betrayed my trust for twice the time and I just dont think that I can forgive someone just like that seeing that I think friendship is more important thatn the whole gf/bf relationship. I mean how could someone pretend that nothing had happened while I am the one who got stabbed from behind and nonetheless from a friend. I am feeling the worst of all. wound. scar. bloodclot. bruise. bleeding. betrayal. how could she? is this what you call it - friends?

I think I need some time to forgive. Surely, I'm thinking twice.

Miranda said that there's no point of building up the hatred against her, I should show them who is the matured chick and not that 'small gas'. I should be sporting and open minded about it. Sigh. I dont know.

and I just dont know how to face them once Im back in college. My friends told me that he was with her in college both holding hands and all for several times. The more I think about it, my eyes cant stop feeling sore, my heart cant stop feeling bitter, the sourness in my throat, my heart feels like a bloodclot that was picked at, it feels like I am in a wreckage that nobody noticed and being left there to deteriorate for couple of days.

This is the reason why I am not looking forward to college sometimes and also the reason why I did not put kdu in my list of college where I can obtain my degree. I want to dodge and avoid bumping into them. I dont want to be hurt and I dont intend to get hurt again.

I'm looping Sarah Mclachlan's Angel. It got stuck to my head now, it describes exactly what I am feeling right now.

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So far I am not in the hype of valentine's day. I never was. I dont fuss around about it but of course how would someone refuse a romantic candlelight dinner for two by the beach? hah. believe it or not. I have two perfect places for that matter. Just that I'm short of date. I even have the perfect gift idea stuck with me for like, 5 years now. I never got the chance to celebrate it with Philippe though. It was long gone before the arrival of v-day.

Well I suppose I did something interesting for v-day. I sent off cards to two friends. It was a friendly v-day card. Nothing special. But I'd say it's cool to let the people know that you appreciate them as friends. that's good enough. oh yeah, on that day, it's always Valent's bday. hence, thats how he got his name anyway. the next day will be Hsin's bday. heh double joy for that lovely girl.

Friends sometimes can be depressing. As usual, I'm always with depression and boredom. They never go away. It's always been there and it will be there in the near future. Sometimes I think I should expect less to feel better. But tell me, don't you expect a response or a reply to your already sent out sms? May it be good response or bad response, it is still A response, dammit.

I think you are like reading some really sad stories of mine here. Can't help but to think that I'm a sap huh? Stories of the hopeless loser. heh.

[soundbites]
Mogwai - Take Me Somewhere Nice
Cokelat - Untuk Bintang