Stupification.

"I would get your number if I was not engaged."
"I also want if I am not married."
"I would want to date you if you're not seeing someone."

Those were the comments given by some random people I recalled. One of them actually happened just now.

I dont normally get this kind of comments. It tickles me pink. Although Im not sure if I should be flattered or feel weird because someone whos old enough to be my dad could say such a thing to me. Im dazed and puzzled.

Life to me now is like that. Im not sure which direction that Im heading to anymore. Being in college and college friends means time to hang out. I'd like to detangle myself from this crowd sometimes. They poses too much of attachment for me to take. But something's missing here. What happened to studies? Well I've only got 4hours of classes to attend this semester and the rest is on my own to do my dissertation. Which is kinda cool cuz I have all the time in the world but Im falling fast behind my peers. They have already started and finished their chapter one while I have yet to determine a topic for mine. Im looking for help from within but I dont find enough motivation and courage to continue on. I only have myself to blame. Therefore I feel guilty. To make it worse, I've started picking up the cancer sticks. Im gonna see my lecturer tomorrow to see if she could help me but Im quite doubtful as the previous time I went to see her, she was quite dazed as me. Its like theres a miscommunication. She doesnt know what I want from her while the only thing that she could give me was time. Again. To think it over by myself. Its quite a bad decision though as I've already wasted my weekend that I initially said that I would have then determine a freaking topic. So far theres no progress of any sort. The more I find journals to give me some ideas the more topics I came up with. The more confused I became.

I woke up every morning thinking about it. Even when I sleep I'd tell myself to be productive the next day. It would be a better day and that I could find light at the end of the tunnel. It turned out quite the opposite and I was stunned by it. I didnt know I would loose control of my life.

Life is quite fragile as I see it. You see people die everyday. You hear it in the news. You've witnessed it. A gruesome find in the park. A body drop from the building would mean death. A slight swerve of a car would mean death too. Even if you have fever, it would mean dengue and then death. The body is fragile but mine just refuse to let me live my fragile life fruitfully. Im confused.

Even falling back in studies would mean death to me.

I hate it. But I cant help it.

I gotta get a grip.

[soundbites]
The Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Suddenly