Fool.

it seems like im always the fool to everybody. you people actually think that you guys are all that great? now the reason why i might seem like one is probably because you smart asses asked me to do something without proper coaching and instructions. how would you expect people to understand and do it correctly?

but seriously, i do think i am a fool. a fool to myself. a statement that i dont say it. i comfort myself with positivity. why should i put up with you guys if i can soar and be so much better and get much better pay than sticking myself to you guys.. people who doesnt understand me, doesnt care, doesnt want to do things correctly, always criticize, always a pain in the neck, pretending to be oh so great.. well, a bunch of pseudo greatness asses.

i do myself a favour and for you guys too.. to be the fool for you to push me around, the fool that always clean up the mess, the fool that smile and greet, the fool that was forced to do the stuffs. i guess its alright to stick around for a while, i always tell myself. its okay to earn less than my peers, its alright to be out of my league, its okay to be tiringly hard laboured.

the thing is, i can do that temporarily.. but what if the pressure or the shit hits the fans, will i be able to handle it? will i still be the fool that i deceive myself to be?

deep down, im itching and twitching with annoyance to leave. mentally and physically i dont think i can take it anymore. im worried about my psysical and mental health, my lifestyle, my social life, my relationship and my future.

[soundbites]
Goldfrapp - Fly Me Away

Embrace.

.. no matter what happens, at the end of the day, i know i have myself. with all the emptiness in me. unfortunately, i only have myself.. to comfort, to take pride, to feel content, to accompany, to reassure and to ease myself.

its probably selfish. but is there someone or something else that would allow me to be generous? to share the load with?

[soundbites]
Sparta - Synscope

Fork.

sigh.

cibai lahs. what is so wrong by asking questions in order to do the right thing eh? what is so wrong by following the guidelines eh? i mean fucking hell if i do wrongly, you guys would be the very first one to pin point. on another occasion, one person told me to do it like this, another arse ask me to do it the other way, so whose advice should i listen to then? or on another occasion, someone ask me to do this particular thing, but right after a while, another person come and ask me to do another thing. goddamn, i only have a pair of legs and hands. kaneneh. give me some time yo. fark. i cant focus or 100% grasp the concept yet but then there goes another thing thrown at me. grrrrrrrr. >.<

People make or break a corporation. No wonder so many people comes and goes. You should know.

i always feel this confusion during work. wheres/whose the authoritative orders? and wheres my goddamn authority? i feel damn small at work. almost insignificant.

shit i need a smoke.. and Mint Car by The Cure to make it all better.

Half A Soul.

Hmmm, let's see, i think ive almost forgotten how to be satisfied and happy anymore. Now what happens is I just take the day as it is, take strides and come what may. Undoubtedly I feel empty most of the time. Sorta. I suppose. I guess. My body is there, doing work, working but my mind sometimes is not there. When desperate times call, I would have to snap myself out of that empty space. My life, or so it seems is like that. I'm living, breathing, paddling through life, but now it seems blank, unfulfilling and bare.

I feel lethargic most of the time. It's probably because of work I guess.

Nowadays i fall asleep quite easily. At times feeling shitty, unwanted and wasted. at times feeling exhausted, some body parts ache and just wanna pass out. then i fall into deep sleep, sometimes i dream but unlike the past, i couldnt remember my dreams anymore cuz im just too bloody tired. exhaustion + shitty feeling = bottom of hell.

And when morning comes, i wake up either to prepare myself for work or just chill for a couple of hours before i get ready for work. it sucks. i hardly have time for internet anymore. i think i'll probably downgrade my cable connection soon. nowadays i hardly have anytime for myself as well. i hardly look at myself in the mirror anymore or do anything else.

Life. Wasnt it suppose to be colourful? i suppose my time is not here yet. but am i bowing down to fate and accept it without a fight first? i tried, still am trying. im feeling abit tired of all these. perhaps all these are not meant to be. perhaps. just perhaps.

[soundbites]
Zwan - Honestly