Soul-less.

Maybe this is a bad time for asking.

Im listening to my own crying, let me cry and only wake me up when it's over. I dont want to witness this. It's so cruel, it's not right. Am I always a burden? I dont think so and I dont want to. Do I deserve to be kept under your control? Do I have to adhere to your likings? Do I have to loose myself and let you smother me?

I feel so fucked inside. I wanna cry myself to sleep. I wanna hide myself from this or maybe I just wanna run away. Run as far as I can, run and run and run until I cant run anymore. I just wanna disappear for a moment. From this moment. From this ugly truth, from this ugly likings of yours.

I want my soul back.

I didnt touch heavy metal and any of those metal music for ages, maybe I should start doing it again. I need the lil rush, I need the lil rage, I need the lil satisfaction, I need the lil outbursts, I need a lil noise, I need a lil soul. I need to feel the goodness of metal.

[soundbites]
Marilyn Manson - Coma Black

My Way.

hahahahahah my mom or anyone at all who tried to take me down from my hyper-ness.

I refuse to let it affect me.

Its holiday for me and I deserve to stay up late, stay online as long as I want to (hey, Im the one playing for the fucking bills anyway, so shaddup), listen to the same song again and again as long as I want to, I deserve to smile and laugh as much as I want to, I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be happy with myself without any controls and any setbacks.

Im just being myself.

Im happy just being myself.

Heheh, smile with me...!!! :D

WOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[soundbites]
Zwan - El Sol

Nut case.

Mwuahahahahahahaha Ive got like 9 fucking blinking messages waiting for me to response and my Winamp is on playing some mellow, laid back alternative tunes and some browser on waiting for my attention.

heh, I havent got that kind of attention in a long time. I think Im starting to enjoy this moment. hahahahahahah

Oh yeah, Im still awake, Im not asleep yet.

I dont fucking care if I dont get emails from you bastard, I dont even fucking care if Im getting all junk mails from spams, I dont fucking care if I dont get icq msges from you scumbag, I dont even care if Im not getting smses from you nitwit, I dont even care if you are not calling me, I dont even care if Im not out watching a movie with you bumdfuck, I dont even care if Im not going out with you fuckface, I dont even care if Im not seeing you loser, I just dont give a fuck you basket.

Garhhhhhh.. its so fun talking to friends yknow? hheheheheheheh...

I hate juggling me boobs! :D:D:D:D:D:D

I can say whatever that I want to say. Sue me.

Silly Me.

Okay, quickie!

Do you know how silly I can get?

Heh, I knocked myself against the toilet door while rushing to answer call of nature just now after finishing a fag. mwuahahahahaa..

And I still think that I might die of lung cancer one day.

Okay, stop, no more mild seven for me.. but erm, make it light for me. Mild seven lights.

I finished my last one.

Whoa. Cant believe that I drove the whole damn day. Get some chores done, met up with some friends that I havent seen in a long time. Drove them around and I took 20 minutes driving around 80 to 100 on the scale while coming back from Shant's place.

Despite the sweat and sleepiness for waking up early in the morning, I can still smile at people. The uncle at the gas station says that Ive got a smile on my face, very cheery me. Even the security uncle at my college thinks that Im fwenly. Okay, there's alot of uncles.. mwuahahaha Im having a smile on my face now just thinking about me being all smiley and cheery.

I should fucking stay that way. I deserve to be fucking happy. Hahahahahahah.

Tired. Im going to sleep.

Oh btw, before you go, do check out some of the cool links that Ive added to my "devotions" column.

Alrighty, keep on smiling and the world smiles with you. *winks* And take this happy song with you and sleep tight readers! :)

[soundbites]
David Bryne - Like Humans Do

Fark, Im up awfully early. Went to the place and there's already a long queue. Ok, fuck it and the thing that pissed me off the most is that she said that tmr she wants to come and try again. Fark me.

Then on our way back, I forgot that I need to go back to college to return my book, ok its overdue. Then I got angry at myself for not being efficient.

Im sleepy but my fucking eyes just wont fucking close.

Please drag me to bed.

Lost.

When I look at this page, I really dont know what Im thinking.

My heart feels like blogging but I dont know what to blog about.

I used to be very enthusiastic about blogging and I still do. But I guess Im not that open to my blog anymore. Or maybe it's just me being another lazy slacker.

Exams are over now. And Ive got so many uncertainties troubling me.

Uncertainties can be certainties. But how certain am I about that?

Life's always changing and I think I am a tad bit rigid when it comes to that. I dont understand myself. Im a business student. I learn about Change Management, I learn that change is just a part of business and in a business, change is good. It always is. It creates opportunities. Im trained to have that kind of perception and thinking. But how much have I practice that in my life?

I know that Im being a lil bit rigid but like I said, I dont understand myself sometimes. Paranoia strikes.

Life is such an illusion. Im confused. Im putting myself down again. Yet again, I know Im putting myself down but am I doing anything towards it?

Most smokers know that smoking is bad. Frankly, how many of us actually takes the initiative to quit smoking? And even if one did, how much percentage that it can turn out to be a success? Smoke-free non-smoker? What about second hand smoker? They still have the possibilities of suffering from cancer. The thing is, either more or less. The amount I guess.

Life's really confusing.

Im in this confusion phase. Especially after completing my advanced diploma. Hell, should I stay or shoud I go? Should I take this or should I take that? So many questions to be asked, so many answers to the so many questions asked, and so little time to make everything possible.

Should I follow my heart and my dreams? Perhaps I should but then I come to my senses, reality hits me hard, real hard. Like God just slapped me and tells me to be practical. Hell yeah.

Sometimes Im just angry at the world. Sometimes Im just angry at myself. Sometimes Im just being plain depressed. Sometimes Im just uncertain about myself.

In this phase, support and a lil comfort may come in handy. But where do I find them? Nowhere to be found and nowhere to go. I can only crawl along this fast phase highway. Hit me and I will still carry on. Leave cuts and bruises on me. Ive got blood dripping on the tarred highway.

Will somebody show me the way?

Maybe a piece of me already died. Maybe Ive lost count of the pieces. Maybe Ive already died and my body is just wandering around with no soul.

Maybe.. just maybe.

[soundbites]
Jeff Buckley - I Woke Up In A Strange Place

Didja miss me? :P

Mwuahahahahaha.. strike no more!

*hugs everyone*

Take away my pain
Leave the cold outside
Please don't let it rain
Don't stumble on my pride

Take away my pain
I'm not frightened anymore
Just stay with me tonight
I'm tired of this fight
Soon I'll be knocking at your door

I look at the world and see no understanding
I'm waiting to find some sense of strength
I'm begging you from the bottom of my heart
To show me understanding

[soundbites]
The Cure - There Is No If

Tomorrow Is Not Promised.

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help you to figure out who you are and who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be: your neighbour, long lost friend, lover or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound ways.

And sometimes things happen to you and at that time they seem painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential strength, will power or even your own heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of those true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.

Without these small tests, whether they be events, illness or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere, safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet you affect your life and the successes and downfalls you experience determine who you are and even the bad experience can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the poignant and important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart to.

If someone loves you, love then back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.

Make everyday count. Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again.

Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen, let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights hugh.

Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, for if you dont believe in yourself, no one else will bellieve in you either. You can make your life anything you wish.

Create your own life and then go out and live in it.

"Live each day as if it were your last. Tomorrow is not promised."

[soundbites]
Jeff Buckley - Dream Brother

I found this *somewhere* and just wanna share.

McDonald's hamburgers, or this one?

As ridiculous as it is, I would love to try this thing.

"Kobe beef, imported from Japan, comes from cattle raised on beer and massaged daily to make the meat soft and succulent."

[soundbites]
Marcy Playground - Sex and Candy

Whatever fuck that I care.

Im finishing my last mild seven and there is still no signs of him showing up.

Turan.

Whatever fuck that you care.

Pfdt.

Destructive Me.

Heh. I got myself pierced today. Ciplak piercing but yeah a fucking new hole. I want more. Im thinking tongue, you read me? *grins*

Dont know ler impluse piercing. I got a bit of tensed, angry, stupid, self destructive, silly and erm whole list of synonyms. :P

Yeah I crave for piercings and I guess the acute pain that comes with it. Mwuahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha :D:D:D:D

How inane of me.

and yay, Im eating some papayas and tonight I shall get my beauty sleep.

Oh damn, a friend got himself an iguana. Bleeding hella bastard with luck. Im so envious of him. Garh. Who wants to donate me an iguana ar? :~(

Vallaalaaaaa Hollaalaaaaaa Hoollaaalaaaaaaaa Giddyup Hiakksssssss!!!!

I sure hope that I sounded annoyingly happy. I like to annoy ppl sometimes. *pinch*

Good night!

[soundbites]
Kylie Minogue - Slow

A post with a lil bit of joke, perhaps a bit of fear and regret.

My phone didnt ring for the whole day of yesterday and just 5 minutes ago I got a call.

Huwahhhhh a guy called me up, stating that he's Michael Phuah from so and so and I have a credit debt of 3000plus that I havent clear with Hong Leong Bank and it's overdue. He straight forwardly asked me why.

LoLz. I knew where this is going to. This is a lame prank. How dodgy.

Thank god I handled it nicely. I told him that I dont have no credit card even after insisting that I have a debt which is worth what I have now in my bank account.

But it turned out that he's a friend of mine. Kacau lah that fella.

Anyway he offered me a marketing job with a good pay but I turned him down. :/

Maybe a rethink?

Ramblings.

My car's in the hospital. Maybe I should admit to the hospital too. Since Im still coughing. Since my car is not around.

I just yawned and I noticed Im blogging again.

I put on my ball for my lippie. Looks so cool on me. *winks* I was dancing and feeling good all of a sudden around evening. I like evenings. I like evenings. Heehee. I cant stop fagging too. Woohoo. Gonna go 7-11 buy fags tmr.

I felt the urge of talking to someone.. and the person that I talked to today is my mom. Thats all. How pathetic is that?

I even tried talking to my dogs, but they didnt respond, I kept patting and caressing them. They liked it I guess that they kept quiet so that I can keep on patting them.

Today's not Hari Membisu right? Mute Day?

Hmm. Need a fag. Need sleep.

Fuck needing a company.

Added:

He just msged me thru ICQ. yay. Talk. Talk. Talk. Virtual fucking Talk.

Quintessence of Dust.

Hello, good morning.

I woke up to the sound of nothing. Silence is what I usually get up to. It's too quiet. It scares me sometimes. Do you care? Nahh, of course you dont.

I toss and turn while listening to the sounds of my comforter brushing against my skin. How I would curled up on my own solitude and thought about things that would have happened. Things that I dont understand. Things that I dont understand but happened. A whole lotta pondering and wondering. What a mess.

I cant figure it out.

The day wont go well without the morning fag. Thats what I usually do when Im up and feeling a bit out. Letting me feel the slow emotions of coma black.

Love already died and went away.

I shall pick up another morning fag.

Jaded.

Today is what I call driving around the whole day.

Study break which means I can stay up late and get up late. But what I do now is to stay up late and get up early. Now that didnt go as its suppose to. And not to mention, to stay at home and do revision. But nahh it didnt go that way either.

But what the heck, I got up in the morning, fondling around with the pc, came online, posted something stupid up the blog and now I've decided to take it down. Reason? Cuz it's stupid, stupid.

So I took my shower, took the car and went out. And I've been driving the whole day until just now, just came back from dinner actually. I do like to drive but today is wayyyy too much of driving. You can say that I've managed to travel around the island for twice.. well, almost la. Im as tired as exhausted. Ok stop, I didnt make sense there but yeah Im tired.

I wish that I have the energy to type everything down but my body's protesting.

Actually my body has been protesting since that day I started coughing.. since that day I picked up my first fag.. since that day he stopped calling.. since that day I stopped calling.. since that night.. since that beautiful night..

It was a beautiful day too, when I waited under the sun for you. The scorching heat was unbearable but I still waited for you. I want to think that it was all worth it, it was all worth the trip. So I waited some more.. then you came around..

We were drinking some, smoking some and talking some. Boy wasnt it wonderful? I noticed that you did a lil fidgety twitch when Im not looking at you. Your language that your body was sending, it was very mysterious of you.

And now you're calling me names.. names that I used to hear when I was with him. Why would you want to call me that?

I really hate it when someone says that ok, I'll call you baby and then no he didnt call me baby. Im saying the phone call, not calling me baby alright?

But what am I doing, this is just pointless rambling about nothing.

Hmmm, looks like my body isn't protesting that much afterall. :/

-----------------------------------------------------
Things don't have to be this way
Catch me on a better day

Bury me above the clouds
All the way from here
Take away the things I need
Take away my fear

Hide me in a hollow sound
Happy evermore
Everything I had to give
Gave out long before

Fix me now I wish you would
Bring me back to life
Kiss me blind somebody should
From hollow into light

Crashing silent broken down
Falling into night
Who gave up and who gave in
I'll go without a fight

Cut me down or cut me dead
Cut me in or out
Kiss me blind time after time
Take away my doubt

Nowhere only down from here
Pick me off the floor
Take away the things I dream
One time one place one more

Things don't have to be this way
Catch me on a better day
-----------------------------------------------------

I need something real to hold on to.

[soundbites]
Sarah McLachlan - Wait

Waiting for some fresh ice cubes

My dog's a nightmare. Well, is there such a thing as daylightmare or daymare? Hmm. Well, she's a real bitch. She can't stop barking at things that fly, walk and pass by the house. Garh. Headache.

Talking about headache, my mom can give me some headache at times too. It is actually more severe than a headache, it's more like a chrocnic pain rather than acute pain. To be honest, a little bit of both. She can just take out the thrash in her veins whenever she wants to, obviously she can control the pumps of her veins. Whether she like it smoothly or the other way around it's all her control and her own wish.

She won't listen. What can I do? I have a hard time coping with her.

But tell me, on another issue, what is harder?
To like someone and to keep your mouth shut about it or to like someone and to wait for him to show you his sincerity?

I'd say the latter. Because you know that he likes you and you're waiting by the street looking up at his window hoping that he would give you a glimpse and then wave at you. Obviously you know that he is staying there and that is his room.

What Im thinking is patience. Or in layman term, tarik harga in order to let him show his side of colors. I got to have patience and I guess patience is a virtue. I've got to be patient, and I've got to be..

I do believe that I've done my part, I really did.

I'm just waiting.. and waiting.

[soundbites]
Garbage - Drive You Home

What Happens When Computer Programmers and Good Drug Mix

Budget an hour or two and go here..