Maddening Shroud.

Im feeling much better now. Im not going to tell ya whats keeping me happy.

Ahh, I should sit down and think properly about my 2004 resolution. It's the end of 2003 already, I should stop feeling depressed. Now that's a lame excuse to be happy but I dont care anyway. I derserve to be happy and not crappy. Currently listening to some pop.. wahahahah, yes yes, this song always gives me the good vibes and gets me dancing and twirling around. Chew on this soundbites ok? Stay happy. :)

Cheers to all. Happy New Year!

I welcome the year 2004 with an open heart. The year 2003 has been a swell ride. Ups and downs but it only makes me stronger and I am bleeding glad that I am still alive. I am really glad I grew stronger and the thought of suicidal is not haunting me anymore. Not any sooner I hope.

Im taking life as it is and take things slowly is more of my kind of thing, so I'll just take the slow lane, thank you.

Musically, this year has been a great year for local bands, thanks to Actor's Studio Greenhall for hosting and organizing numerous gigs, as well as the people who organized it. Oh and not forgetting the local masses for supporting it. The last gig that I went to was erm, chun. ;) I managed to get to know some people, not much, just a handful of people from the local scene, broadened horizons, had fun and actually shares the same perspective as me. Almost succesfully come undone with a northern region music database, but shall work on that much later due to other commitments. Besides that I got to know a whole lotta good bands out there, may it be local bands or foreign bands. Swell indeed. *thumbs up*

It feels good to know that people are coming together to make this happen. Cheers to anyone out there who supports the local scene by organizing, helping out, attending the gigs, passing the information, downloading songs from local bands, listening to their songs, and most importantly, giving our local music scene a shot. Keep it up. :)

Personally, this year has been a year that minced, chopped, lacquered, waxed and plastered with mixed feelings. Oh, my hair grew longer, started driving around, got my first paycheck of 10 ringgit for washing a car(haarhar), got broadband, upgraded my pc, got my first goddamn fcuking expensive tshirt(ya heard me, TSHIRT *nods*), my first erm.. okay, this is getting personal and some parts are actually shitty and some parts are just too good that I just want to keep it to myself.

But still, I am happy that I have come this far. Life sucks, life is peachy, it is still, Life.. whether you like it or not.

May this year brings joy, success and happiness to each and everyone.

Lastly, Happy Birthday Regina! :)

[soundbites]
Toploader - Dancing In The Moonlight

All I Need.

Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
I strongly believe that.

I was driving home and when I finally got home, I realized that it was the longest journey that I have to take. Everything looks like a blur to me. I broke down and cry. Tears were running dry. I know I am slow, but how many drivers out there are willing to follow a slowcoach? Fast drivers who belong to the fast lane overtook me. Then I am left alone with myself driving on that quiet highway.

I made a few calls. It was harsh. I expect them to be there for me. Nobody can. Nobody really can. Not even a friend. I feel shitty. I am aching. Am in need of comfort, but where can I find it?

As if I was to be left alone in the middle of the deep blue sea, screaming, looking for help. I am alone now. What can I do? What could I do?

And that's all that I need
Someone else to cling to
Someone I can lean on
Until I don't need to
Just stay all through the night
In the morning let me down
Cause that's all that I need right now

Everywhere someone's getting over
Everybody's life is someone
People still use other people with a crooked smile
And all around the world there's a sinking feeling
Out there right now someone's feeling
Down on themselves and don't know why
Every night

And life ain't no beauty show
We don't know where tomorrow ends
And when we're sad
It's kind of a drag

Just stay all through the night
In the morning let me down
Yeah, cause that's all that I need
That's all that I need right now
Right now

[soundbites]
Smashing Pumpkins - Thirty Three

Randomness.

Xmas came and went, I had a blast nonetheless. Time spent mostly with friends, plastered and a terrible hungover, bleeding tired. Drove around, did some errands, there goes my 20 dollar petrol.

Last I checked, I'm not feeling all that great, all because of a damn phonecall. Too tiny a thing to change your life? Kinda shitty, no? It is a decision on life. It's like I've come to a crossroad standing, trying to figure out which way to go. You may see me now, the next thing, you may not see me anymore.

Im feeling very odd right now. Laziness kicked in whenever I try to update this blog. Im getting the laziness now I think. But then again, I was out pretty much the whole of this and last week. If you were to ask me how am I doing? One word. T_I_R_E_D.

Im so wasted. There's so many things running in my head right now. After this, I may just get a pen and paper and write down everything that I should be bringing along with me. Just maybe. Or I might just be looking for a job the next minute. Sacrifice?

What will my answer be?

Desperately in need of someone to talk to right now. I dont feel good. Like yeah, whats else is new? What the point of having another half is he cant be there for you? Cant even cheer you up and listen to you. Where's the basic emotional support?

Now dont go asking me how I feel now. Crappy. I dont need to recall what Im feeling now as it is fundamentally flawed anyway. Then I will tell you that Im getting plastered by Jeff Buckley, looping songs like Last Goodbye and Hallelujah. If only he could tell me or rather give me any kind of signs and show me the way.

Head needs to rest, tired like fuck. I've been drifting too much. No, gather thoughts and gather feelings. Why he didnt pick up my phone calls? Why he didnt call me back? Why he flew my 747 plane?

Shit, Im not gathering my thoughts. Im about to start on another issue. Er, where was I?

Yes, going to get some rest and there's a gig tmr and hopefully I'll get a nice tan. I miss the beach. I hope that he'd be lying next to me in the morning.

Damn it. I miss the beach. Im getting a tan. Hmmm laziness didnt kick in afterall.

I lost myself on a cool damp night
Gave myself in that misty light
Was hypnotized by a strange delight
Under a lilac tree
I made wine from the lilac tree
Put my heart in its recipe
It makes me see what I want to see
and be what I want to be
When I think more than I want to think
Do things I never should do
I drink much more that I ought to drink
Because I brings me back you...

Lilac wine is sweet and heady, like my love
Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, like my love
Listen to me... I cannot see clearly
Isn't that she coming to me nearly here?
Lilac wine is sweet and heady where's my love?
Lilac wine, I feel unsteady, where's my love?
Listen to me, why is everything so hazy?
Isn't that she, or am I just going crazy, dear?
Lilac Wine, I feel unready for my love...

[soundbites]
Jeff Buckley - Lilac Wine

Christmas Is a Time for Love and Fun.

Christmas is a time for love and fun,
A time to reshape souls and roots and skies,
A time to give your heart to everyone
Freely, like a rich and lavish sun,
Like a burning star to those whose lonely sighs
Show need of such a time for love and fun.

For children first, whose pain is never done,
Whose bright white fire of anguish never dies,
It's time to give your heart to every one,

That not one angel fall, to hatred won
For lack of ears to listen to her cries,
Or arms to carry him towards love and fun,

Or friends to care what happens on the run
To adult life, where joy or sadness lies.
It's time to give your heart to everyone,

For God loves all, and turns His back on none,
Good or twisted, ignorant or wise.
Christmas is a time for love and fun,
A time to give your heart to everyone.

Merry Christmas everyone!
Have fun and stay safe yea?

[soundbites]
Axl Rose - White Christmas

A Guide Above.

Hello. *waves*

Yes, its raining outside. I love rain. It was raining when I was on my way back from kl too.

There has been alot in my mind lately and it is somehow getting out of control. I think Im getting out of control. Yes, I think my life is getting out of control. It's not like I dont want to do anything about it. Its more like Im still in search of myself, in search of means and in search of time needed to sort out my life.

I hope that someone or something is standing beside me now as my rock of support. I need strength because I can sense myself weakening.

Shit, it seems like I tried to start this entry off with a happy beginning but then continued as total opposite.

Lately, my life has been a drag for me. Im sorry to admit it to myself but come to think about it, yeah, Im nodding my head now. It has been shitty. Im tired. I am really tired. Im tired of trying and Im starting to stop trying. Im starting to ignore, Im starting to get mad, Im starting to hate, Im starting to feel restless.

Im exhausted.

Frankly speaking, I dont like myself for raging. Throwing things, slamming them. Hitting the wall, hitting the bed, kicking myself. All fumed up, fiery eyeballs, tight fists, face with bubbling anger. What a vein killer.. perhaps cells too.

Life's not perfect I know. But I will say a lil prayer, hoping them to be answered.

[soundbites]
Rufus Wainwright - Hallelujah

Forgiveness.

Please forgive me for I didnt mean to be rude. I didnt mean to just stay quiet while you were clearly demanding for answers. What can I say, Im being a stubborn Taurean. Oh, you just slammed your door.

Dont you understand? Cant you understand? Im feeling cranky the whole day, perhaps it was because I came back around 5 smth this morning and got up a few hours later.

How am I feeling? Low and down.

What I want to do? Is just to be left alone and let me be.

Please forgive me for Im just being myself.

[soundbites]
Tracy Chapman - This Time

Space In Time.

Behind open eyes
No longer they see
Before it was true
Now lies the deceits

Give me the need
Cuz it helps to bleed

Falling, fall
Under the sun it freezes your heart
And breaks into pieces that turn into dust
Everything falls in that one space of time

The epitome of mind
Emotions deceived
For all of the times
You've chosen to believe

Give me the need
Cuz it helps to bleed
For all of yours deeds
So why don't you plead

Falling, fall
Under the sun it freezes your heart
And breaks into pieces that turns into dust
Everything counts on that one point in time

I am to you are to me a disease

by Tempered Mental

Winter.

I'm really tired. I know I didnt get enough sleep. I know my throat is starting to dry up and feels itchy to cough. I know that there's one huge bleeding pimple popping out around my nose area. I know that Im getting myself hurt physically and mentally. I know that I will fall sick if I dont get enough sleep. I just knew it.

I dont want to hear the noise outside. I dont want to hear you complaining. I dont want to hear myself crying. I dont want to wake up to a throbbing headache. I dont want to feel tired.

I just want to curl up in my bed and hibernate. I just want to feel your presence. I just want to hear your heartbeat. I just want to hear the sound of our breathing. I just want to feel like home. I just want to be myself.

I just want to sleep. Leave me alone.

A familiar face or voice would actually make my day. Im thankful that someone called me up the other day. You know who you are. Thanks for calling all the way. I dont have anything against you. I like you the way you are. Just stay yourself.. and yes You too, thanks for smsing me. It feels good to get a sms in the morning and thanks for calling me sunshine. I like that and I miss that.

Thank you for being there, thinking of me when Im feeling down, when I dont want to try anymore, when I just want to sleep away my thoughts. I know although we are not close but Im just thankful that you tried. Thank you.

Im holding on now. I got to. I have to. This is going to pass.

I dont feel like talking now. I dont feel like eating.

Yes, I feel like sleeping. Sleep away all my fears, my worries, my anger, my miseries, my unspoken thoughts, my shameless confessions, my bleeding heart.

[soundbites]
Eric Clapton - Tears In Heaven

I Dont Know Why.

I think I play this role of being a happy friend whenever needed, doesnt matter the fact that Im depressed or anything, I'd still be that happy friend. They didnt realize it I guess. Or is it like it's my fucking role so I'd have to be that way.

Another role is that Im this screwed up in the head and depressed friend who smokes a pack of 20s in two days or one whole pack a day. Screwed up because I try so hard to be a poser in being a drunkyard, goth, or even a whining bitch that it got backfired.

The role of being the thoughtful friend. Sending cards every year without fail during the festive seasons and birthdays. Calling and smsing. Dropping by whenever I can and to simply just call and check them up. Sometimes I think Im a lil anti-social because Im just plain sick of being nice and thoughtful. Or perhaps it was because Im just sick of the people and the crowd.

It's so nonchalant today that I started to feel paranoid. I didnt feel like talking alot. I didnt feel like smoking. I didnt feel like eating. I didnt feel like calling. I didnt feel like driving. I didnt feel like walking. I didnt feel like doing anything except downloading some old school songs and listening to some pop to pop my spirits.

Tmr, Im gonna die of boredom and I'd probably be suffering from thinking too much about how my day is surpose to be or how I want it to be. Expectations. What a killer.

Im just plain depressed. Just a lil. I guess Im not that happy go lucky kind of friend anymore. Even that, how many people out there give a damn about it after knowing that? Like I mentioned earlier, people just dont give a damn, they give a damn about role. Blardy fcuking roles.

Okay, pop makes me feel happy. Keeps the heart popping.

Oh you just dont care.

[soundbites]
New Radicals - Someday We'll Know

Dont hate me first.

Im having a slight headache now. Probably it was the red wine, cigar and fags that I had yesterday. Or was it just my body protesting against the long hours of sleep that I had?

It's 4.36pm and Im still feeling sleepy. I slept around 12 and just woke up not long ago. Despite the noises out there, that stupid phonecall, I'd still be curled up in my own nest. I guess it's a day for me not to care, a day for me to just laze around and just slack.

I hate people who doesnt give you that piece of information and when you finally confronted them, they'd just nonchalently give you that piece of information without feeling the slightest guilt. I hate people who dont usually calls you, and when they do, they'd just pick a fight with you or they'd just fuck you right up there right now on the spot. Dont you just plain hate them?

Currently Im downloading whole bunch of mp3s and videos. Yes readers, Im on broadband.

You can fucking hate me now.

But it is still a bit slow. I suspect that my computer is experiencing some internal lagging. I gotha get that fixed soon.

Im feeling hungry now. I havent had my breakfast, lunch and even my morning fag.

Now where's my date?

[soundbites]
Counting Crows - A Long December

Flicker and then Die.

I like stars because they gave me "the illusion of permanence." Words, like stars, to guide us, offering a sense of direction. Like landmarks. Signposts. Signs. Signifiers as stars: we know they are unstable.

And, like promises, they are also unstable. Never permanent. Always to-come. Like the cursor now, blinking after every letter I type. Like the stars, always full of future because of the uncertainty of their present, because of the undecidable of their being. The stars, like words. Words like stars: now you see them, now you don't.

Words, like stars, like promises. They flicker and then die. And how we'd like to know they are still there.

[soundbites]
Longwave - Wake Me When It's Over

My so-called Stunt.

Hey is it just me or is blogger acting up again?
I couldnt load this page. Are you reading this?
I cant.
Hmmmmm.

Didnt the title give you a lil impression that I did a lil action packed stunts like walloping someone up or jumping over the roof top and swinging from buildings to buildings like spiderman?

Anyways a lil funny post here, well like he said, it's only funny when it managed to get to the sender safe and sound. Looks like I wont be sending over panadols because it can be easily obtained and hell tabacco?! I've tried that. *evil grin*

Here. [sixthseal.com]

I was really worried. It took slightly more than two weeks to get to him and Im glad that it arrived safely. Phew!

[soundbites]
Everclear - The New York Times

Yippie.

Im okay, Im fine, really, Im fine.

I bought myself a ring that costs me rm38. 925 Silver with some black looking stone. Eccentric looking and Im proud of it. I even bought two [pirated] cds. Hah.

Sometimes I think that I just need to get out of the house more, (ok curse me for being a lil lazy and antisocial in that personality department) and put some serious revenge on my purse. Then I'd feel fine again. Mwuahahahahahahahahahaha. It's not like I buy clothes or whatever nancy fancy, but I'd just go around searching for some eccentric stuffs, or music related. Namely, accessories or some pirated *but* indie music, which I rarely splurge my money on. I always rely on kind souls out there to rip a copy for me then I'd splurge my money on treating them to nice food. :D But really, what does the title of this page reads again?

I remembered once, I bought something, errr a UK Glamour magazine out of impulse. (I see the word 'sucker' coming out of your mouth) It frigging costs me rm17.90 okay! I was bored, so I took the car keys, drove out of the porch, headed to some mall and went to each and every music stores available and even the bookstores. Then kapow! I was browsing through the magazine section, flipping through and everything then finally settled down for that Glamour mag. LOLZ. But then again, it was worth the money I think, or at least I want to think that way, let me ok? Or perhaps they were featuring some sex issues. Hah.

I cant belive myself for buying a Marilyn Manson cd for a friend. Truth is, I wanted it but then I was being oh-so-fucking-generous, I bought it and gave it as a present. How nice of me. Oh and another time buying a Celine Dion cd to my god brother. Like whoah, I got no sense of music? No, I didnt buy it for myself, I bought it for him, you hear?

Strange looking earrings are one of my favourite impulse buying items. Or I'd be going to some second hand items shop to search for something good with a rather cheap price. Heheh. Namely tshirts. I just added that to my list of items. :D

Anyways I want a Tiffany & Co.'s bracelet. I want it. Garh, stress. But since I dont earn my own money, I'd just settle for some lame ass plated accessories which will turn all black and perhaps rusty after a while. Tsk. I told you Im no fancy nancy.

Heheh. anyways good night readers. :)

[soundbites]
Lamb/Kruder & Dorfmeister - Transfatty Acid (K&D remix)

Ambigous. Love in a Mist.

I sure cant hide the things that you did to me and how unhappy I was.
I cannot pretend that.
I cannot be.
I cannot erase the memory.

I cant hide the sweetness,
I cant hide the bitterness.

At the same time,
I cannot hide the feelings,
the warmth, the passion,
the spark that I had for you.
It was strong,
I wanted to be perfect,
I wanted to be good for you.
I can only give you my effort.
I tried, I really tried.
Am I not good enough to get your attention?
Dont I deserve some response?
A glimpse of you makes me happy,
tinggling with childish happiness in me.
But I thought you were into me too.
Where did it go?
Are we just plain spark-less or
Are we just plain ignorant towards each other?

There's so much pain in me.
I've been there,
I've been through that phase.
I dont want to be there again.
I'm scared,
I'm afraid.

I've cried,
I've pleaded myself to be strong.
But I'm not,
I'm just weak.
I'm opposite dammit.

So I'm at a crossroad,
Having questions like,
Should I?
Should I not?

I cant dream anymore.
I havent dreamt of myself in heaven,
for a long time,
far too long.

You know, I want to dream.
Can I dream?
Can you let me dream?
Can you let me dream of you?
Can you let me in your dream?

I want to smile again,
I want to smile with you,
I want to smile for you,
I want to smile for myself.

Show me the truth,
Show me kindness,
Show me beauty,
Show me love.

El Sol by Zwan.

Empty-armed
And half a soul to go

And all I wanted
Was you here next to me
A little sunshine and sympathy

Now everybody knows
That I've been hanging down so low
'cause now I'm feeling up
Soon I'll be feeling out so cold
Wondering, will you call
And now I'm feeling high
Soon I'll be feeling left for dead
Sometimes someone saying yes
Changes what you'll bet

And all I wanted
Was just to hold you close
A little sunshine
Just to butter my toast
and your love next to mine

I had to let you know
That we were meant to be just right
Heaven sent, not sympathized
By everybody's lie
And now I'm feeling high
Now I'm feeling left so dead
Kicking up the dust in bed
Wondering, I guess

sunshine
sunshine
sunshine
and some tea

and your love
your love
your love next to mine

I had to let you know
I had to let you go so I
could see my life fade from your eyes
and to my surprise

that's what I wanted
it's all I wanted
it's what I wanted
me and you

sunshine
sunshine
sunshine
and some tea

that's all I wanted
it's all I wanted
that's all I wanted
it's all I wanted


Please allow me to blast this song again and again. I love it. I love it so much. I know I posted this up last time but I'd like to post it up again. I told you I love it. Loving it and looping it.

Dont you just love Corgan? His voice and the way he sings it? Its a sad sad song but then he just made it sound so up-beat, eccentric and non-conventional.

This song is dedicated to someone. Someone that was once in my life, not long ago, not for long either. We met coupla times, had some chemistry, then screwed up big time due to some stupid unforseen reasons and now Im not even sure if we're on talking terms. Im not sure if I should do something about it. Im not even sure if this someone sees this, but thats not the point anyway. Well, Im more of a giver than a taker.

It's just a thought, an allegience, a zeal, a dedication, a devotion.

Life's very confusing you know? ..But lets hope for the best.

Choking Chores.

Well, I woke up kind of late today, I guess Im just plain tired. I havent taken my shower, havent washed my hair, havent brushed my teeth, not even my face. But I managed to kill tons of black ants in my room. Thanks to my everso faithful insecticide. Mwuahahahaha. Oooohh yesssss, damn those creepy crawlies. I think Im suffering from herpetophobia. (Is there such a word anyway?)

I gotha run to Telekom later of the day and will be doing lunch with my mom. But heck, just look at the time now, its over lunch time man. Tsk, I gotha stop being so tsk tsk, slow. Oh gotha remember to pay the bills and go to a newstand too. Shit, that thought just burnt a hole in my pocket.

Garh, need to get some xmas cards, stamps, possible, drop by college to check for my results, go to that frame shop and get an item and go job hunting. That frigid bitch at tower records who happens to be someone from college aint helping. Well, shattering buggering. I hate her. Period.

So far Ive only spoken to the cleaner lady and my mom. Hopefully I'd be able to talk to more person today. I hope that he#1, she#1, she#2, he#2, he#3 call me. I want to stop being pathetic. He#1 still hasnt got my sms, still no report. I miss him. She#1 has been working so hard lately, I wonder if she's all prepared for nz. She#2 need to confirm with me the time that we need to meet up for dinner. He#2 didnt call me back after yesterday. He#3 wanted to talk yesterday but then I fell asleep then.

Shucks, why dont you, you and you and you and you call me?

I hate my phone sometimes. I hate it doesnt blink and show the names that I want it to pop up. I hate my phone. Its so quiet, too quiet. Im gonna just leave it here next to the keyboard and not touch it until I shower myself.

[Added] : Its already 1.35pm and I still havent taken my shower. Help, slow coach alert!

[soundbites]
Delirium - Temptation