All About The Mind.

I was quite determined after yesterday's post saying that I would be productive about my day. So I said to myself to sleep early and to wake up early to do my laundry, have breakfast and then go to class.

I did go to class actually. It's just that I didnt sleep well the whole night. Not sure what my mind was thinking though. I knew I had a dream about him. I fantasized about him and that's that. I know I was struggling to find some sleep. Half an hour passed and Im still awake. I was groggy as fuck. I think I could kill any lizards that comes my way. Grrr.

Eventually I feel asleep but was woken up by nothing. Well, I was cursing of course. Then I became my own bedroom monster. I used to hear people telling me about how this place is haunted, why they changed this block to female's because there was a suicide and suddenly something flew and fell on the floor. Damn! Could this be the ultimate night where I'd meet this horror that has been playing in my mind. I looked below my bed and there was nothing. Phew! Now I can rest assured that there's no such things as ghosts. So I went to clear my bowel and you can call me chicken shit but I thinking that I didnt meet it just now, I could meet it when I come out from the toilet cubicle. In the mirror, in slow motion, long hair, pale skin, bloody and appear out of the sudden and then fades away. Mind you, we have a really huge mirror in the toilet and there was some weird music playing that I could not interpret. I thought it was odd, who would be playing music so loudly around this time of the night? Maybe its just my imagination. Hmm. That left my mind wander whether it did appear or not. Oh, the horror.

But it was okay lah. I didnt encounter any of those. Tiu, you think this is scary movie ah? Heheh.

Anyway I went to sleep within half an hour and woke up again probably around 6am with my neck aching and headache. Sigh. I hate disturbed sleep. There's just nothing you can do about it. Unless there's someone sleeping next to you and you can watch that person sleep. Maybe that would help. But oh well.

So the time comes when my alarm went off and I woke up, took my shower and put on some white musk oil over my body and got ready for class. Sitting by my desk while reading through some notes and then it's time for class. I got up, put on my socks and then checked the venue of the class and then I realized that I got class on 1pm, not 10pm.

-_-"

Wahlau. Woke up so early for nothing. How screwed up I was. I feel frustrated and silly about myself. I dont know what I wanted to do. Sigh. What's happening to me??!

Im not sure what to think anymore. Lately my mind just refuses to work properly. It started to rest itself when the class started after half an hour and then refusing to get some rest when its time for my body to rest.

Garh! See what the mind could do to you?

[soundbites]
The Hypercubes - Normalised Nation

Stupification.

"I would get your number if I was not engaged."
"I also want if I am not married."
"I would want to date you if you're not seeing someone."

Those were the comments given by some random people I recalled. One of them actually happened just now.

I dont normally get this kind of comments. It tickles me pink. Although Im not sure if I should be flattered or feel weird because someone whos old enough to be my dad could say such a thing to me. Im dazed and puzzled.

Life to me now is like that. Im not sure which direction that Im heading to anymore. Being in college and college friends means time to hang out. I'd like to detangle myself from this crowd sometimes. They poses too much of attachment for me to take. But something's missing here. What happened to studies? Well I've only got 4hours of classes to attend this semester and the rest is on my own to do my dissertation. Which is kinda cool cuz I have all the time in the world but Im falling fast behind my peers. They have already started and finished their chapter one while I have yet to determine a topic for mine. Im looking for help from within but I dont find enough motivation and courage to continue on. I only have myself to blame. Therefore I feel guilty. To make it worse, I've started picking up the cancer sticks. Im gonna see my lecturer tomorrow to see if she could help me but Im quite doubtful as the previous time I went to see her, she was quite dazed as me. Its like theres a miscommunication. She doesnt know what I want from her while the only thing that she could give me was time. Again. To think it over by myself. Its quite a bad decision though as I've already wasted my weekend that I initially said that I would have then determine a freaking topic. So far theres no progress of any sort. The more I find journals to give me some ideas the more topics I came up with. The more confused I became.

I woke up every morning thinking about it. Even when I sleep I'd tell myself to be productive the next day. It would be a better day and that I could find light at the end of the tunnel. It turned out quite the opposite and I was stunned by it. I didnt know I would loose control of my life.

Life is quite fragile as I see it. You see people die everyday. You hear it in the news. You've witnessed it. A gruesome find in the park. A body drop from the building would mean death. A slight swerve of a car would mean death too. Even if you have fever, it would mean dengue and then death. The body is fragile but mine just refuse to let me live my fragile life fruitfully. Im confused.

Even falling back in studies would mean death to me.

I hate it. But I cant help it.

I gotta get a grip.

[soundbites]
The Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Suddenly

The Night That Was A Routine.

10.50pm - went to the loo then hop on the bed with 3 layers of blankets. still feel cold outisde and warm on the inside. struggles to keep self warm. listens to the greatest hits of collective soul.

11.10pm - couldnt sleep. 3 layers not good enough. so got up and grabbed my knee-length knitted socks, a thick long sleeve shirt and put it on. slightly better and switched on radio and strive to get some rest.

1.05am - woke up. thinking its already 4am in the morning. checked digital alarm clock. bugger. almost two hours passed and not even dawn yet. i guess i feel heavy and the dizziness in my head and the cold and warmth of my body that i was hoping that time would pass faster. garh. went to the loo. cleared bowel. drank water. back to sleep.

2.25am - woke up. again. too warm. took off socks and long sleeve shirt. cleared bowel. drank water. sleep. (in between that i had a really schweet dream. yeehaa!)

3.58am - got up. went to the loo. drank more water.

5.24am - same as above. hohum.

9.05am - i got sick of trying to get back to sleep and then keep waking up. finally got my ass up. sober up and had an apple. hoping to keep the doctor away.

Confused Rush.

Okay. I'm like a whirlwind. I come and I go. And yes, I am back. Haha. Semi break I'd say, two posts in a month. That's a record breaker.

I am one confused and fickle blogger. So sue me.

The reason that got me writing this is perhaps I would not know when I wouldn't be able to wake up and face the day and do whatever that I always do. The uncertainty would come true. And so far I have been blogging for some time now and I would not want to see my blog dead because of some silly reasons that I cant even decipher. It would be a shame to see it dead. I probably need new materials to write about.

As you can see, holidays are over and I'm now back to college. Anyway, I attended the first class a few days ago. Frankly, I was delighted to be able to go back to class, back to the routine that enable me to feel occupied. But I was practically fishing in class and occasionally resting my head on my palm for support. Not that I didnt like the lecturer because everytime after his class I would feel somewhat motivated by his words of wisdom. But this time around, I guess he talked too much about the car industry and also about politics and World War II. Sien. There were only 5 of us in the class and he totally utilized the whole 2 hour session. Wahlau sienness. Spare us!

One thing that I came to notice is that whenever I am back home I'd have logical dreams and I seldom dream unless my mind is really working overtime. But heck when I am here, I'd have dreams and I mean weird and out of the world weird and sometimes wicked dreams. Maybe I should do a series of dreams documentary in my blog eh? What do you think? Although it should take some effort in doing so. Ah, lazy ass alerted.

[soundbites]
The Appleseed Cast - Bird Of Paradise