Tiptoe Miseries.

now is a very good time for me to detach myself. suddenly all the self realization has come into mind.

so many things that i want to get myself detached from.

there's this dude that i wanna get away cuz he's not treating me right. playing some sort of a physical or mind games with me. dont get me started. oh what an idiot.

there's you. it's been more than a few weeks. singing my own sympathies, wishing you're that someone that is in the same situation like me. at least i know that im not alone regarding that matter. but thats just selfish thinking. youre not someone whom i have enough to own.

there's you. too much torture. fcuked the living broad daylights out of me. i've had enough. too much longing that has come to an end. can it come to an end?

there's the green bucks. shopping kills. too much of a big fan of chilis, TGIF, adidas, MNG, Gap, facials and gosh, thinking back, i dont know where they all went!

sigh.

sometimes i just feel like my life is lonely as ever.

and shit, those goddamn horrible memories are back to haunt me and think im about to curl up in bed, poison myself to sleep and then die alone.

[soundbites]
godfrapp - let it take you

[Urgent] Telex.

of all the (countable) days of having 3 or more people to eat dinner with is the day when you and your hard headedness have to get in the way. she argued. you argued. she yelled. you yelled. blablabla. blablabla. etcetcetc. of all the days in the world, you want to be left alone and be quiet. so shaddup and leave. why do we have to put up with you while all these times we've been the one to have put up with you? just stop going clubbing so much, perhaps then you might have your much desired quiet days of your own. of all the days, you cant be a tad bit tolerant, of all the days you cant just shut the fuck up. so shut up i will be then for you to have your say and to have your quiet days. why do you have to be so selfish? why do you want to be so ego in the expense of other people's happiness?

in our household, she may be the kindest, the bestest, the most respectable woman in our hearts.. she could also be the total opposite. the most irritable, the most hard headed, the most nagging person.. but deep down inside, shes just an ordinary person. i realized this when i saw her walking amongst us, just like another normal human being. i felt like she was like those uncles, aunties sitting at a bus stop, watching their lives go by, waiting for time to pass, waiting and anticipating for something to happen. waiting for a miracle.

perhaps one day their children would come find them, perhaps one day they would take them back. i felt so hopeless at that time, especially the feeling of her being abandoned by us, like we dont want her in our lives. like we purposely neglect her for what shes done for us. i felt a surge of tears coming through my eyes. i felt a pound in my heart, i felt sad.

she's always the one complaining yes, but she's also the one who always raise her heads up and fight and stand for the family. from the day father died until now, perhaps until the very end too. whenever she complains about all the things that has been bugging her, i felt hopeless, i felt like i cant do anything. why cant an elder like you take up the responsibilities and keep the family together? if i want to do that, i would need coorperation and support from each and everyone from the family, no? and hell you DO have all of our support. why can't you? why won't you?

i suppose the older you get, the more attention you need. just like a baby whos just being born into the world. needing nurture, needing love and attention from the family. its as simple as that. why cant we provide her with that?

i know there's some things in the world that cannot wait.
do good and be filial.

as much as we would like to think of her as a person who's always nagging and long winded, deep down i know that she starts off with a good intention. undoubtedly, sometimes i would ignore her, i would yell and disobey but i do not go overboard. we reconcile the next day or the next moment. there's no revenge or hatred overnight. guranteed. is it not?

so why do we even hold our heads up so high that we couldnt even touch the ground? it's just what lies inside ourselves that we have neglected the most. the most important part - our roots and core values.

just the other day i dreamt that she passed away out of a sudden. i dont remember most of the dream, but the most impacted was her death. it felt surreal, i woke up crying. wonder about mother nature. why a person who was healthy and perfectly normal would be dead the very next day? i cant explain. i was scared. but death is something that i have yet to find out. something that i could not decipher. something complex. something that everybody has to go through.

but the more we live, the more we learn to deal about it. we learn to accept it. we learn to prevent it. we learn to do things right before it is too late. why do you have to turn over a new leaf when youre by the death bed?.. or not.

sometimes what i do is to simply take dinner with her. accompany her. talk to her. i may not be like some other people who would be able to feed the whole family, pay for mortgage, pay for the car or even utility fees. or on the contrary refuse to see them, they refuse to talk to their parents like they dont exists. for me, i stand on the neutral side. this is what i could do. this is what i am capable of doing. sometimes simple things like chatting with them would be good enough. they are getting older by the days, they're not like youngsters who are greedy, they are old already for goodness sake.

what im trying to say is, do what you think is something that you are capable of doing. be thoughtful, be caring, thats all. think of them when there's a sale. take them for grocery shopping. take them for a movie. action starts off with an idea. they would be contented for all you know for the littlest simplest things. she's always there to ask you to drink more water and get your vitamins. she's always the one picking up your smelly clothes after you. she's always the one asking whether you've taken your meals. she's always the one buying food for you when you dont have the time to. also, she was the one who carried you in her womb for a freaking nine months!

what else can you ask her for?

so please my dear brother, it would seem like she's a really bad person who doesnt get along with all your darn ideas, but she IS your mother. the one and only. our father has gone to the heaven, so it is now or never for you to show some respect and care for her before it is too late. be filial for once and stop being an idiotic asshat. change the world!

i read this when i was passing by a mosque, "sembahyanglah, sebelum anda disembahyangkan" and i would like to do a lil rendition.. but i forgot. basically, why wait till its too late? please? it's really urgent.

perhaps all she needs is a miracle.

you.

[soundbites]
damien rice - the animals were gone